"The Ref" Rewritten

INT  THERAPIST’S OFFICE

LLOYD and CAROLINE sit in separate chairs but next to each other.  A THERAPIST faces them.

THERAPIST.  All right, this next exercise will help you both with listening.  One of you will speak while the other really just listens.  Would someone like to go first?

A pause.  Man and Woman glance in each other’s direction.

CAROLINE.  Me.  I had this crazy dream.

LLOYD.  Do we have to do dreams?

CAROLINE.  I was at this fancy restaurant having lunch…and the waiter brought me this entrée.  It was  a salad.  It was Lloyd’s head on a plate of spinach with his penis sticking out of his ear.  And I said “I didn’t order this.”  And the waiter said “You must try it.  It’s a delicacy.  But don’t eat the penis:  it’s just garnish.”

THERAPIST.  Hmmmmm.  Lloyd, what do you think about the dream?

LLOYD.  I think she should stop telling it at dinner parties to all our friends.  I mean, dreams should be private, don’t you think?

THERAPIST. I’m not here to judge or take sides.  I will say communication is healthy.

LLOYD.  Healthy?  Telling people she dreams of my penis on a dinner plate is healthy?

THERAPIST.  Are there any sexual problems in the marriage?

LLOYD.  Well…

CAROLINE.  …the truth is we haven’t had sex in quite awhile.  And before that, it wasn;t all that…oh, what’s the word?  Noteworthy.

THERAPIST.  I see.

CAROLINE.  By our fifth anniversary, we’d gotten into a pretty stale routine.  A couple of kisses, a couple of nipple twists.  It would be over in the time it takes to make a cappuccino.  I know because I timed it once.  I mean, it’s no wonder I had an affair.

LLOYD.  How could you tell him that so casually, like you were asking for a glass of water?

CAROLINE.  Actually, may I have a glass of water?

LLOYD.  Why don’t you have oral sex too.  I’ll go wait in the car.

THERAPIST.  Lloyd, how do you feel about Caroline’s affair?

CAROLINE.  He just wants me to wear a red “A” on my pajamas and sleep in the basement.

LLOYD.  Is that so unreasonable?

CAROLINE.  Everything’s either black or white with him.  You know, he doesn’t…he doesn’t see where he’s responsible.  It didn’t even mean anything to me.  It shouldn’t even be counted as an affair.

LLOYD.  I think we need a ruling on this.

THERAPIST.  Lloyd, have you forgiven Caroline for her affair?

LLOYD.  Look, it was a long time ago.  It’s over.  I’m fine about it.  I just don’t want to talk about it.

THERAPIST.  Then let me ask you something.  What do you want from the marriage now?

LLOYD.  I want to stop talking about it.  Look, the truth is I want nothing.  I have everything I need.  I’m actually very content.

CAROLINE.  What a liar.  You’re so unhappy you can hardly breathe.  And I feel it in every gesture, in every silence.  And I’m miserable.  How can we both be in the marriage and I’m miserable and you’re content?

LLOYD.  Luck?

THERAPIST.  Caroline, what do you want from the marriage?

LLOYD.  Oh, this should be good.

CAROLINE.  What is that supposed to mean?

LLOYD.  You don’t know what you want., and you blame everybody else for it.  She’s impossible to satisfy.  She lives in her fantasies.  I mean, let’s really try to understand Caroline’s miserable life.  She lives in a beautiful home.

CAROLINE.  Which his mother owns.

LLOYD.  I have a successful business.

CAROLINE.  Which his mother owns.  We’re in servitude to his mother for a loan she’s charging us 18% interest on.  We personally own nothing.

LLOYD.  We took out a loan.

CAROLINE.  No, you took out a loan.  It was your decision.  You took out a loan from Satan Mom.

LLOYD.  She blames my mother for everything that’s gone wrong in her life.  In the meantime, she never finishes anything.  Photography courses, Scandinavian cooking classes, Tai Chi…

CAROLINE.  At least I go after my dreams.

LLOYD.  To be what?  Somebody who takes photographs of cooked fish to prove the nothingness of being?  No wonder our son is so confused.

CAROLINE.  See, he blames me for Jesse.  Is that right?  You’re the one who suffocated him with limitations.  Our son’s a very sensitive, creative…

LLOYD.  Juvenile delinquent.

CAROLINE.  Boy.  He has the imagination…

LLOYD.  That the Mafia gives scholarships for.  In the ninth grade, we told him he should get a part-time job.  He started an escort service for the football team, and he gave out my mother’s phone number.

CAROLINE.  I still think getting laid by a 17-year old linebacker is just what she needs!

THERAPIST.  Please…let’s lower our voices.

LLOYD and CAROLINE together.  Fuck you !