INT. LIVING ROOM
DAISEY, ELLEN and FIONA sit around talking, shooting the
breeze. Ellen is in the middle.
DAISEY
The primary problem with men is
that they do not know how to use
their equipment.
ELLEN
This is a problem you have
encountered?
FIONA
I think what you mean is that they
do not understand our equipment.
DAISEY
Well, I can't expect them to
unravel the complexities of the
female apparatus.
FIONA
And why not? Is it that complex?
There's one little spot for them to
find.
DAISEY
Fiona, that spot is very elusive.
It shifts around.
FIONA
Shifts around? It's a spot. An
anatomical spot. It doesn't shift.
ELLEN
I don't really have a problem with
men.
DAISEY
My spot has nothing to do with
anatomy.
ELLEN
But of course, you are talking
about love. Affection.
FIONA
She's not talking about love.
DAISEY
We've given up on that. We are
referring to the basic needs of a
woman.
FIONA
Our bodies have needs. But
Daisey's body seems to morph around. How
can you expect a man to locate a
moving target.
ELLEN
This is not mathematics.
DAISEY
You are so right Ellen, it is not
mathematics. Fiona thinks that all
you need do is give an owners
manual to a guy with coordinates.
ELLEN
That's not how it is?
FIONA
I mean Ellen, really, do you know
how it is?
ELLEN
Yes.
FIONA
And you know, they could at least
start with some idea of how the
female body is designed, rather
than just clawing and mauling like
we're prey.
DAISEY
My men don't claw. I think that
says more about you, Fiona.
ELLEN
I find men to be very sensitive and
understanding.
DAISEY
They are idiots, Ellen.
FIONA
What do you mean it says more about
me?
DAISEY
They probably look at you and see...
wood, so they become carpenters.
They look at me and see a woman.
FIONA
That is a really crappy metaphor.
DAISEY
They see this beautiful woman but
they do not know what to do with
me. They are helpless and dim
witted.
FIONA
So what do you do, just lie there
helpless? I at least take control
and show the assholes what to do.
DAISEY
So you supervise a managed orgasm?
FIONA
That's one way to
describe it.
DAISEY
I refuse to do that. Otherwise how
can you tell if a man is right for
you if you are directing them as if
they're actors?
FIONA
At least I have orgasms.
Occasionally.
ELLEN
So am I doing something wrong. I
mean I slept with Joe this past
Saturday...
FIONA
You slept with Joe? Joe Shepard?
ELLEN
Yes. And I had a twenty minute
orgasm.
FIONA
I have slept with Joe and he
couldn't find a bowling ball in a
bassinet.
DAISEY
You both slept with Joe Shepard?
FIONA
Ellen, first of all I am still
having trouble believing Joe
Shepard and you...
ELLEN
Why?
FIONA
What did he do...exactly to
give you a twenty minute orgasm?
ELLEN
He made love to me.
FIONA
You see what I mean. Love. What
is that. Your head is in the
clouds. Maybe you dreamed you had
an orgasm.
DAISEY
I'd like to know why Joe Shepard
slept with each of you?
FIONA
It is not hard to believe that he
slept with me.
ELLEN
I am starting to take offense to
your innuendos. What am I, a
potted plant?
DAISEY
Joe Shepard refused me. He just
simply refused me. There was no
attempt. I gave him every
opportunity. I almost dragged him
into my apartment.
FIONA
Maybe he took a good look at that
beautiful woman and recognized that
you are fanatically judgmental.
ELLEN
Yes, men cannot get their equipment
working if they feel they are being
judged, Daisey.
Daisey starts to cry.
DAISEY
I am judgmental. I know it.
Everyone probably knows it. That's
why they do not know what to do.
FIONA
Oh for chrissake, Daisey. All you
need to do is not tell them they
are idiots.
DAISEY
I don't actually say it.
Ellen touches Daisey's hand.
ELLEN
It's OK. If you want, I can talk
to Joe Shepard.
DAISEY
You will? For me?
ELLEN
Yes. I will tell him that you
don't think he is a moron.
DAISEY
That's so sweet.
FIONA
In the alternative, I have a book
entitled "The Secrets of Female
Masterbation."
ELLEN
Fiona.
FIONA
It's an alternative. Just in case
the Joe Shepard thing doesn't work
out.
DAISEY
I have that book. The
illustrations are inferior and substandard.
Fiona rolls her eyes.
THE END.
